A Knee-Jerk Reaction

It was rather chilly in our bedroom this morning.  Because it is so hot when we go to bed at night, we have the window wide open and two fans blowing.  But, by early morning's light, the air temperature drops and it gets a little cold.  Hoping to glean a little warmth from my husband, I turned toward Keith and the middle of the bed.  He was facing the other way, and I kept trying to mentally tell him to roll over and snuggle.  As he never budged, I started to fall asleep again.  In my semi-sleep state, I don't know if I had a leg spasm or if I was unconsciously trying to stay warm, but suddenly my leg jerked up and I kneed Keith right in the butt.

Let's just say the knee had a greater effect than the mental messages had...just in the opposite direction...

'Bums' the Word

At school yesterday, two kindergarten fraternal twins were sitting in the office, waiting for their babysitter to come pick them up.  I had just visited their respective classrooms earlier that day, so they seemed pretty excited to see me in the office.  I decided to hold a conversation with the two:

Me:  Hey, guys!  Are you two brothers? 
Twin #1: Yeah, we're brothers!
Twin #2:  We're twins!
Me:  Wow, twins?!  That's awesome!  You're in Mrs. T's class (to Twin #1), and you're in Miss M's class (to Twin #2), right?
Twin #1:  How did you know that?!  How could you tell us apart?!
Me:  I could tell cause I think you look different.  Do you look different or the same?
Twin #1:  Different!  I look like my dad!!
Twin #2:  And I look like my mom, 'cause my mom has a skinny butt, and I have a skinny butt too!!!

Unfortunately, their babysitter walked in right then, because these kids were hilarious!!!

Wove, Twue Wove

Tonight Keith asked me a question.  "What was the purpose of God including the story of Jacob's marriage to Leah and Rachel in the Bible?" he asked.

My immediate response was, "True Love!"  And I explained:  As Jacob wanted to marry Rachel, he worked for seven years to earn the right to marry her.  But his father-in-law tricked him, and he ended up marrying Leah instead.  But as Jacob LOVED Rachel, he worked another seven years before finally being able to marry her.  Yep, definitely True Love.

When I was finished explaining how true love really does fit into the Bible, I continued by telling Keith that every time I hear the phrase "true love", it makes me think of the movie The Princess Bride.  It is mentioned a few times throughout the movie, but the scene that came to mind was where Miracle Max is commissioned to bring the Man in Black back to life.  When Miracle Max asks the dead Man in Black what he has worth living for, he responds, "True love".  Remember? 

As Keith was silent on his end of the phone at this point, I commenced to play out the whole movie scene for him, word for word, line by line.  I used voices, narrated the actions of the actors, and played each part.  It truly was an Emmy earning performance.  At the end of my soliloquy, while I paused for breath, Keith finally broke in with:

"You're weird."

Honey, you have no idea.

Always Absorbent

Last night I took Jennie's kids for a drive in my new RED car!!!  The drive was going great until Jamison pointed out that Vera had a bloody nose.  Well, not wanting the inside of my car to be the same color as the outside, I pulled over to help the girl out. 

There weren't any napkins in the glove compartment (remember, it is a new car), and digging around my purse yielded zero kleenex or tissue. 

So, I did what I could:  I gave the girl a maxi pad.

Poor Vera.  Eventually the nose bleed stopped, all was well, and my car escaped unscathed.

It was pretty funny, though, to look in my rear view mirror and see Stayfree slapped to her face.

Dial M for...Menopause?

We had pizza for dinner last night.  Attached to the box was a coupon for free cookie dough if you take their survey.  Never one to pass up free stuff, this morning I dialed the number, took the survey, and got my free cookie dough code. 

While I was in the 1-800 mood, I pulled out my two recent Costa Vida receipts to get my free dessert (because they do that!  Check your receipt!).  The first went without incident, and I dialed the number for the second.  In my haste, I transposed two of numbers and dialed wrong.  Instead of hearing Chef Dave-from-Costa-Vida's pleasant voice, I heard "Thank you for ordering Zestra.  A representative will be with you soon."

Zestra?  Since I had no idea what that was, I looked it up.  Um...yeah...it's a drug for women...specifically pre- and post-menopausal...to feel...more...when they...you know...

...Ahem...

And all I wanted was a free dish of flan.

That Poodle May Have a Problem

While looking for recipes for dan bao fan (fried rice wrapped in egg),

I came across this Japanese cooking show on YouTube: 

http://www.youtube.com/user/cookingwithdog

Sounds...tasty...?

(P.S.:  Love the subtitle!)

Lollipops

My five-year-old nephew Jamison cracks me up. Yesterday he was telling me of what he wants, or does not want, to be when he grows up.

Jamison: I don't ever want to be a doctor; they don't make very much money.

Me: They don't?

Jamison: Nope. They only get $25 for each sucker.

Smart kid. He should know too, since he feigned sickness earlier in the summer just so he could be taken to the doctor's and get a sucker at the end of it. I'm sure his mom didn't appreciate the $25 co-pay, or should I say, sucker payment.

Research

According to wikipedia.org, the phrase 'as dead as a dodo' means to be "undoubtedly and unquestionably dead."

Really? Undoubtedly and unquestionably? I had no idea...

Going Green, by Tones

I remembered something funny the other day while talking of gardening. On my mission, we had a sister in the ward named Chen Cai Yuan. I'm not exactly sure what tones I was supposed to use for her name, but I instantly knew I had spoken incorrectly when this sister started laughing hysterically. Apparently, I had given 'Cai' a 4th tone and 'Yuan' a 2nd tone. Instead of calling her by name, I called her a 'Vegetable Garden'.

No wonder the Taiwanese like Americans so much: we are a constant source of entertainment.

The Break Up

Last night, when boy called and said, "I just don't think it will work out between us," I had a hard time controlling myself. I was not mad or angry. I wasn't sad or upset. What I had a hard time controlling was my laughter. You see, I didn't know there was anything between us to work out.

Seriously, when you are set up and you've only known the kid three weeks, and you've only spent two 1-hour lunch breaks together, and you haven't seen, emailed or talked to him for over half of those three weeks, it really hurts when you get dumped. Especially when you didn't know you were dating.

It was nice of him to call and let me know, though. I'm still laughing about it.

Two-Legged Talking Bugs

Last week I took Jamison and Colette with me to get dinner from Little Caesars. As it was meal time, they were busy and we had to wait in line. While we waited, Jamison started hopping around, jumping on the yellow tiles and trying to avoid the larger masses of white.

Me: "Are you trying to step only on the yellow tiles?"

Jamison: "The black too. I'm stepping only on yellow and black."

Me: "Okay, just don't bug people."

Jamison, after a pause of reflection: "Jill, what are bug-people?"

Verbal Exchange

Sunday night we had our annual Cookie Exchange.

We normally exchange cookies.

My sister decided to exchange a few choice words.

In reading her "Cajun Night Before Christmas", she read a French exclamation. Aloud.

Of course, if you didn't know French, you wouldn't have know she had sworn.

Too bad I started laughing.

Joyeux Noël!

(That's French for "Merry Christmas!", not some 4-letter word.)

A Christmas Riddle

Q: How long does it take a returned-sister missionary (who may or may not have blonde hair) and her trusty dictionary (which is falling apart at the binding) to write 25+ Christmas cards in Chinese to her peeps in Taiwan?

A: A really, really long time.

Q: And what does said returned missionary get in return?

A: Love, joy, and hand cramps.

聖誕快樂!

Merry Christmas!

(and 加油!)

With a Song and a Prayer

At our house, family prayer is more of a circus than a sacred observance. We all come together and, instead of promptly kneeling and praying, we chat about our day, exchange anecdotes and jokes while ribbing and teasing each other and getting in a few laughs, and just have a few, or 30, minutes of fun before praying. You could say that family prayer time is our family bonding time.

The following dialog occurred at our family prayer last night. It involves two people: Megan, who is thinking of ceasing employment with a local scrapbooking company; and Ryan, who is incredibly quick and very witty.

Megan: "What if I were to quit Making Memories?"

Ryan: "Then you would have nothing to remember."

I think we laughed for 22 of those 30 minutes.

I love my family!

Just Gassing

The other day I received a Tesoro Gas Gift Card in the mail for getting good grades last semester (who knew all those A's and B's added up to $8.00 worth of free gas? Thanks Mom for helping me with refunds). Tonight, as I was coming home from a thing I thought, I'm going to be driving right past the Tesoro; maybe I'll stop to get gas. The gas was $3.99/gallon, so that meant I could get 2 full gallons of gas, with 2 cents worth to spare. Not a bad deal. Well, I pull up, open the tank, swipe my card, lift the nozzle, push the start button, and begin fueling. Now, you have to understand I never buy gas from Tesoro and am unfamiliar with their pumps. It wasn't until the meter read over $5.00 that I realized my gas was ringing up $4.23/gallon, not $3.99 like it should be. Yep, I got my free $8.00 worth -- in SUPER UNLEADED gasoline -- a mite less than 2 gallons. Oops! Let's just hope Izzy (my car) can live off the finer stuff of life for a few days and doesn't develop permanently refined taste buds.

***"Gassing" means 1-to supply with gas or 2-to indulge in idle, empty talk. In my case, it just means being stupid. And so, no, I was not being crude (excuse the pun).***

Proceed with Caution

Today was an eventful day at the JSMB. As you may know, serving and working with food can sometimes be tricky and exciting, however, today it was hazardous. It really was a doozy. To begin with, I toppled a whole stack of glasses within my first 10 minutes of being there. I think I fared better than most people do when the whole stack goes down--I only broke 18 or so glasses. Not bad for an amateur!! Only 45 minutes later or so I got a bum speed rack so that just as I was going over the bump into the elevator my cheesecakes pancaked on top of each other. Needless to say, all three cheesecakes were toast (or creamed?). Thank goodness the chocolate macadamia nut mousse cake was okay. After that I seriously considered taping a sign to my forehead reading, "Warning: May Spontaneously Combust!" but I thought that might detract from my professionalism. The rest of my shift went fine, though I was concerned for the health of those around me. I think I could have won a trophy for klutziness today. I definitely deserve the grand prize. In fact, I think I cost the company more than I'll have on my paycheck, yet lucky me, I don't have to pay for it. Oh well. All is fair in work and war!

Oh, Rats! (and skunks, men and calves)

Yesterday, I saw a giant rat, I mean, a rat as big as the ones in Taiwan, in my backyard. I was lucky in that while in Taiwan, I only saw rats out in the street, and mostly dead ones at that, squished and dead by passing scooterist, and the occasional live one running on the street, across the telephone wires, or in the nicest park in TianMu. Yet, there I was, out at dusk watering the flowers when I look over toward the garden and the compost area, and there was this huge vermin sitting there eating a late dinner. Call it deja vu, or just repulsion, but I was very disgusted and grossed out. Once, when we lived across the street, I saw a mouse out in the wood pile, and that freaked me out. However, that mouse doesn't even come close to describing the thing I saw eating the garbage yesterday. It was huge! Do you remember the ROUS'es of Princess Bride?? You know, the Rodents of Unusual Size? That would be an apt description.

As for skunks, tonight as I was walking to my car from work, I could smell skunk in the air. It's not uncommon; I work out in the brushland of Decker Lake and we have a huge dumpster filled with garbage that tends to attract unwanted species of rodent. Skunks are often spotted. Well, I got in my car and started driving out to the main road. As I turned out, there was the culprit, or should I say culprits, for there was not one, but two skunks sitting in the middle of the road. I had no other option but to stop and wait for them to notice me; there was not really room enough to go around them without getting too close for comfort. They finally noticed me and trotted off into the sage brush. I tell you, it was a close call.

And then there are men. I work with a lot of nice guys, all of them too old and none of them up to my standards. Yet, sometimes they make me laugh or blush because they are just so darn nice and funny. Tonight I was working and, due to the hot weather, I was wearing capris. I've worn them before and no one has ever said anything. Tonight one of my coworkers asked if I was into sports, if I was athletic. I told him no, because I'm not, and then he surprised me by saying that he thought I might be because I have really nice and big calves. He continued to say that when he meets a girls he doesn't look at the hair or the eyes, but at her calves. He likes them big and meaty. Well, if that doesn't make a girl blush!!! Yes, I have big calves, but only recently have I taken pride in them. Before my mission they were just big, flabby pieces of soft muscle. After my mission, they were rock hard and defined (riding a bike for 18 months will do that). Now, they are not so hard but still nice. Anyway, my friend continued speaking about my calves, and if I wasn't already blushing enough, he asked if he could feel it. What is a girl to say?! As if I wasn't already red and sweating!? I consented, he felt it, and he said it was nice. Trying to make light of the situation I said that they come in handy for wearing high heels. At that he whistled and said he bet I looked good in high heels. Well, thanks, I guess. That was the end of the calf conversation for the moment, but as we were leaving for the night he said, "I hope you wear your capris again tomorrow." AI YOU!!! Shoot! I had already told myself that that was the last time I wore capris to work. And men think women are hard to figure out!!!!!